Weight

When I was in my late teens I cared a lot about what men thought of me, and because of this, I was skinny. Skinny was what society taught me was the most ‘attractive’. When I’d break up with someone, I’d feel nauseous and not ‘good enough’ because I couldn’t make it work. In order to escape that, I’d literally stop eating, throw myself into the gym and just generally burn myself out to cover up the pervading anxiety of aloneness, because at the heart of it was that awful statement, ‘I’m not enough.’

Many years later, with professional help and a healthy and loving relationship, I’d worked through some of my past traumas. I’d increased my own personal power and self-esteem and began to care less about what men thought about me. It didn’t matter to me any longer if I was considered attractive by men. I rebelled against the male gaze, put on weight, and wore very comfortable clothes so they wouldn’t look my way because I didn’t care if they did.

Then it got to a point where I felt really good about myself. I decided I wanted to feel radiant and healthy in my body, except this time it wasn’t for anyone else. I began upgrading my wardrobe with clothes I felt really good in, I got a haircut, started eating better and exercised more regularly.

The side effect of this has been gaining muscle tone and feeling healthy in my body. Radiant even. More radiant than when I was in my early twenties and cared so much about approval from the male gaze.

I’m older now and I’ve decided I’ll no longer do it for them. Now I do it for myself.